Digital Cowboy

I’m living a dream.

I mean that literally. Like many people, I’ve thrown that phrase around loosely at times. This time I’m not using it as a rhetorical device. It’s not a euphemism, a metaphor, a figure of speech or hyperbole.

I mean it in the sense that the last couple of mornings I’ve awakened with a feeling of trepidation because I’ve actually had this particular dream quite a few times in the past few years only to wake up and face the crushing realization that it was only that - a dream. It always seemed so real. Whenever that happened the day that followed was always rough.

So these last couple mornings, I have laid partially awake for a few minutes until I made sure I was fully awake. Each morning I’ve thought to myself, “Not again! I can’t take this again!”

Then I realize she really is standing there. She really did just walk into the bathroom. This isn’t a dream. It’s the rest of my life. It’s really Her. Here. Really.

It’s my family all under one roof. It really was my whole family at the church picnic Sunday. Together.

It’s really me saying, “Time for bed. Give Mommy goodnight loving.” And then hearing Her say, “Give your Daddy goodnight loving and get in the bed, girls.”

It’s really Her sitting next to me on the couch after the kids are in bed, the two of us laughing at a stupid comedy on DVD like we’re foolish teenagers on a second date.

It’s really Her asking, “What do you want for supper?” and me saying, “Ehhh. You don’t need to cook. Let’s just go out for dinner.” It’s really my whole family having so much fun laughing with each other at Chili’s that I think we’re probably annoying those around us. And not caring.

It’s a miracle and I’m living it. The biggest challenge I face in it is trying not to get caught staring slack-jawed at her all the time. Not only is it wonderfully surreal to have her home, she’s even more beautiful than she was when I met her ten years ago.

My God answers prayer and He does it exceedingly, abundantly above all you can ask or think. He doesn’t just patch up and repair things, either. He restores. That makes all the difference in the world.

My love life didn’t turn out the way I planned it. Not yet, anyway. But it hasn’t changed my romantic view of life. Maybe that’s why so many people in my life seem to get so frustrated with me.

The Red Rocker once said:

How do I know when it’s love?
I don’t know, but it lasts forever.
How does it feel when it’s love?
It’s just something you feel together.

…

When it’s love,
Nothing’s missing.

There’s a lot of wisdom in Sammy’s searching. He’s a little confused, in general, but he’s very, very honest and he seems to sorta, kinda know what he’s looking for. (It’s interesting to note that the last line of that lyric is the best English definition of the Hebrew word “shalom” which is translated most often in the King James Bible as “peace.”)

There’s nothing missing in my life. I’ve got it all. It’s not really organized exactly the way I would like it right now, but it’s all here. That “romance” part of my life is just a matter of patience and rearranging now.

I was fortunate. I found Her. Too many people make do with what’s convenient or readily available. I was never willing to settle so I never did. She’s flawed but we all are. She’s perfect for me and perfect TO me. Isn’t that what really matters?

I judge no one else by my experience. I really, truly, honestly, cross-my-heart, just don’t. But at the same time….

How do you know when it’s love?

It lasts forever.

I’m aware that it’s possible that I’ll never hold Her again until everyone else that wants her drops dead of old age and I’m all that’s left. That’s OK by me if that’s how it has to be. It gives me a goal: I just have to outlive them all.

And that’s worst case. I’m not resigned to that.

(I know it’s early but consider this my Valentine’s Day post. I’m not going near this topic again until well after February 14.)

The morning show I have on in the background while I work just had a “Quote of the Day.” They didn’t credit it, so I won’t either; I don’t have time to do research right now. But the quote was this:

“Not a shred of evidence exists to support the idea that life is serious.”

That was timely for me. It’s a sentiment that I not only agree with but also generally follow. Right now I’m in the middle of a minor crisis with a client’s server (thus his quite successful web-based business) and simultaneously facing a hard deadline on another project. I’ve been working all night. For that matter, I’ve been working every waking moment for days. I was stressed and feeling overwhelmed.

Hearing that quote in the background “brought me to” as my grandfather used to say. (He used to say, “Snap to!” or “Come to!” It meant, “Attention!” or “Look here now!”)

Years ago, when I was working in “operations” (that’s a stupid name for mainframe computer processing) for a few divisions of The Limited I used to get stressed. It was often a very high pressure environment and was all about schedule. It was time pressure applied to computer processing. I was making $10.25 an hour… when I left that job.

One night when things went wrong, a supervisor under stress barked at me and I replied, “Relax. It’s FASHION. The company’s selling overpriced, trendy clothes. No one’s life is on the line here.”

I got a blank stare. So I said, “What’s the worst possible thing that could happen?”

His answer? “The worst thing?!? You and I could both lose our jobs!”

“For failing to get daily financial reports delivered by 7:00 a.m.?” I foolishly answered.

“Yes! I need this job! My life’s on the line! Get it done.”

I mentally exited that job that very day, though I continued to show up for a few months after that. I vowed that I would never work in that kind of environment again. But now I’m self-employed and I do the same thing to myself far too frequently. I’m under imaginary pressure. It’s all in my head. I do it to myself.

It’s ridiculous and there’s not a shred of evidence that life is serious.

Take a break. Have a laugh. Remind yourself why you work. It’s probably not for approval. It’s a means to an end.

Don’t ignore the end because you get caught up in the means.

I’ve dealt with this before but I’ll never understand. You have a few hundred channels of TV and millions of web sites to entertain you. Why would you take the time to post a comment like this on an obscure blog like this’n'?

I made the mistake of wasting about 4 precious minutes reading several of your blatherings.

That’s just very, very sad.

So, to that pathetic soul and all the rest like him: pull the gun out of your mouth and read this, my response:

I seriously doubt that your minutes are that precious and I never asked for them. Did you learn anything from your “mistake?”

I doubt that you did. I suspect you reached for the keyboard to post your useless whining when you should have been reaching for the mouse to click on “The Living Word” in the category list. That stuff matters.

I do “blather” sometimes. It’s my site and I don’t write all of it for you. A whole lot of the time I write just for me and, in all cases, I don’t much care if you read it, much less what you think of it. Post a criticism if it makes you feel better. I’ll probably read it. There’s much longer odds against me caring about your opinion.

This might surprise you, but I picked a cigarette butt out of horse manure a few hours ago and cared more about getting it picked up and to the trash can than I do about making you happy.

A wise man would recognize that even I don’t agree with everything I’ve posted here. I’m completely honest and usually transparent. Most folks have been pretending, lying and surrounded by liars for so long that they don’t even know how to deal with an honest man. You’re not the first that missed it with me.

If you’re interested, I would suggest you try again. If you’re lazy and stupid, just go away.

I only need look at my daughters sleeping to realize that. The stakes are too high to view life as a game.

If you have advice for raising and educating them, I’ll listen. Just don’t be offended if I completely dismiss your advice. It’s highly unlikely that you have anything to say that I haven’t already heard and/or considered. I’m extreme and I won’t apologize for it.

“Chutes & Ladders” doesn’t even get my approval. (That game teaches that doing “good” rewards you and doing “bad” gets you punished. Worse still, it’s all by random chance. Sound familiar? That’s what many churches teach and it’s evil. If you believe any of that you’re very deceived.) Also, I almost never let them watch the Disney channel. Don’t get me started on Disney.

Those are just a couple of examples.

Besides, we don’t need “Chutes & Ladders” because they’re both getting pretty good at Hold ‘em and prefer it. I think I can probably start teaching them 7 stud and Omaha in a few months. Those are games that will teach them something valuable (and true) about life.

Call me crazy if it makes you feel better, but I tend to believe that anything that undermines the Word of God and the traditional definition of family is unhealthy. If you don’t like that, I’ll smile and nod and pray for you and take comfort knowing that someday your kids will probably be working for mine.

The world is sick and that sickness is both subtle and creeping.

I’ve been charged to protect them and I intend to do it. I would humbly suggest that you not get in the way as I do. And the next time you’re tempted to think that you know better than I do how they should be handled, take a deep breath and consider that I’m willing to die for them. Then ask yourself if you are.

Eaglewood asked if I had backed down from criticizing Microsoft because they had pushed me. I wish I was that important. No one at Microsoft knows who I am. What follows is a slightly enhanced version of a comment on the last post in which I responded to Eaglewood. I’ve copied it here because I want to be sure that everyone who reads here sees it:

No, Eaglewood. Even if Microsoft did come at me, I wouldn’t back down. I took it down because there were people, whose opinions matter to me, that took it differently than I intended it. Also, it not only could be, but was, misconstrued. I take all of the blame.

It was written in frustration and after rereading it, I realized that it was over the top of the obnoxious peak, even for me. (That’s saying something.)

I’ll never stop criticizing Microsoft and I’ll be ruthless with them. Microsoft has set the personal computer industry back by decades with their incompetence and greed. They are a huge drag on the U.S. economy. I despise everything they’ve ever produced and I think they should all go get real jobs that utilize their skills. (For Ballmer and Gates I would suggest sending resumes to Tony Soprano since it’s clear that neither of them know anything about technology except how to steal it, usually with intimidation and/or force.) As a company, they are parasites. That’s not surprising; any organization always takes on the character of its leader. Be sure to let me know when Bill Gates actually earns anything.

But that post was, quite unintentionally, offensive to decent people that matter to me.

Incidentally, in over 15 months blogging and nearly 375 posts, that is the first time I’ve ever removed one. There have been many I’ve regretted and a few of those could actually cause me legal problems. I’ve never removed them. My general philosophy is, “Once you publish, it cannot be unpublished.”

But this was different. It was personal and removing it was part of my way of apologizing for being too crass for even me.

What exactly is the appeal of Robin Williams and how has he managed to become rich and famous?

He’s spastic and quite stupid. I’ve wasted far more time than I care to admit watching him - in movies, TV shows and doing stand-up - and I cannot recall a single time that idiot made me laugh.

He’s ignorant, obnoxious, dumb and never, ever funny. Funny requires intelligence. He reminds me a lot of Jonathan Winters except that, on occasion, Winters was humorous.

Yet he has the nerve to mock the president, implying that George W. Bush is stupid.

I’m no fan of the current president and it frustrates me to no end that I keep finding myself defending him when I didn’t vote for him and don’t support most of what he’s done. But when Mork starts mocking him…

Is there anything besides the weather in Southern California that has any worth?

I’ll probably be offline and “out of pocket’ (as the corporate dweebs say) for the next few days. I’ll be checking email as much as I can, but that’s not likely to be much.

Those of you that have my cell phone number are free to use it. Those that don’t have it… I’m too busy to talk to you.

I have nothing to add.

Go read this comment from someone I don’t know and has never commented here before.

He provides anecdotal evidence from personal experience as well as some of the evidence that I [was/am] either too preoccupied or too lazy to look up again. I love to remind people that doctors kill more people than “guns” do. (I put it in quotes there because in the history of gunpowder, a gun has never killed a human being by itself. Take special note of the word “it” in the word “itself.”)

Or is it gross manipulation?

Today, while sitting next to a communist, George W. Bush said, “…[China’s] society must become less export driven and more consumer driven.”

As it stands right now, the USA is the only superpower in the world and we control everything. It won’t remain that way. The primary, immediate reason is just what Dubya said today. Americans are mostly consumers.

His remarks are retarded.

Consumerism is the problem, not the solution. The Chinese are smart enough to know this.

May I remind you this is the same president that right after 9/11 recommended that the best response was for Americans to go shopping?