Digital Cowboy

Who? Me?!? What?!? I’m not slow. What’re you talking about?

Oh, don’t mind us. We’re just schlepping a pill for something we made up. Are you slowed down by diarrhea?

Seriously. Have you ever been “slowed down” by diarrhea? Do you know anybody that ever has been? Do you know anybody that knows anybody that ever has been? Do you know anybody that knows anybody that’s actually ever heard the rest of that commercial?

I haven’t and it’s not even, really, the Beavis (and Heidi) thing. It’s how ridiculously preposterous it is and how serious they make it sound.

Look into that and get back to me. I’m working on a very important expo-zay and I think I might be able to get Michael Moore on board but only with YOUR very crucial input! You must act now!

I’m going to work on avoiding laughter long enough to figure what they’re advertising.

Call now and I’ll double your order! You just pay separate processing and shipping!

(And, by the way, if this really is a problem for you, please accept “laugh here” instead of an apology and realize that that particular medication doesn’t require advertisement. If you need it, you’ll surely seek it out.)

Yesterday someone I love and respect emailed me to say that she had recently “checked in” on me by coming to my blog.

She told me that she was expecting kid stories and instead “Man, you’ve become political!”

She meant nothing by it but it made me reflect. When I did, I realized that it’s gotten angry around here again.

So here’s a “kid story.”

I bought my daughters a digital camera for Christmas. I remember when I got my first camera… I rode my bike a few miles, door-to-door on a few rural, country blocks selling greeting cards to earn it. And it was cold. Then I got it and realized that it would require my entire allowance to feed it.

As a result, I became quite stingy about taking pictures. Every one had a price tag.

Not so with my kids. Pictures are free and can be snapped whenever the urge hits. Thank God for technological advances! I take joy in the fact that my little girls aren’t limited like I was.

So a couple days ago they said, “Dad, how do we get the pictures off our camera and on our computer?” (I was older than either of them before I had my own computer, too.)

Being a dad, I responded with, “You tell me. Surely it came with a manual and a cable or something. I would imagine that you’ll have to find some way to connect it.”

They figured it out and then promptly walked away from the computer and went outside to play. “Why did you leave your camera here burning batteries and walk off?!?”

“It’s still working. It takes a lot longer with our camera than yours, Dad.”

Their camera is better than mine. I was perplexed. I investigated. It was taking a while, indeed. They had 452 pictures to move. Four hundred and fifty freakin’ two!

That would have cost me around three years of allowance with my camera when I was their age.

A year ago, it would have cost a year of their allowance to store that many pictures on a memory card.

Next time I’ll tell you about their online poker debt. They owe me six dollars, Sharkscope is now even more inaccurate than I previously asserted and they seem to think that they can play for real money on my Full Tilt account without any accountability.

When I tell them they owe me six dollars, they giggle. I’m not letting this go. It’s a matter of principle. Gambling debts must be paid. I learned that from a Greek guy named Danny.

Every promise has a cost and every debt must be paid.

He had a bat. I’ll be kind and patient.

If you don’t believe me, please explain why there’s a retarded peanut farmer from Georgia on my TV right this very minute pretending to know something about the Bible and the Middle East while simultaneously coddling the enemies of Israel. He had his chance and he failed.

That fucktard is in his eighties. Reagan’s dead. Ford is dead. Nixon is dead.

He won’t shut up. Landslide election defeat isn’t enough for him.

The voters have spoken – loudly, Jimmy. You’re stupid and we hate you. Go the fuck away!

Jimmy is the most retarded president in my life time. He’s most definitely the dumbest person to hold that office – until Barry – in the last hundred years.

Somebody PLEASE stuff a rag in that muppet’s mouth.

Never before – in the 230 year history of this country – has there ever been a slug so completely devoid of anything that demanded recognition as human been allowed to make herself the fool so much on TV.

I saw her on TV yesterday trying to suck Barack’s cock.

Barack wuddn’t even there.

She’s trying to display her whoring skills… begging him to… just… dammit, let her!

That’s whatcha call a dumb whore. (Gotta cut them loose. Dumb broads are a liability. If you think I’m kiddin’, just watch Barack and Nancy over the next 42 months. Barry knows how to pimp. Heard it here first.)

She’s sixteen years too late. (Botox, notwithstanding.)

Barack is, too. Hilly and Billy were “the first black president” and we know that’s true because it was declared by a truly, provable, look-it-up, Aferican-dash-American (Toni somebody) and Hillary-damn-negro-clinton-her-own-damn-self….

I’m working on a list of black men that I’m gonna beg to run in 2012. I’m only gonna beg one. This is harder than it should be because none of them would be stupid enough to run and I respect them FOR that. That’s WHY I respect them all.

Which one should I stalk and beg?

Truly, it makes no difference and it has absolutely nothing to do with race. Barack Obama is the first African president of the united States of America. It’s illegal, it’s unConstitutional. It’s sick reality. It’s crazy history. (No, I checked. It’s been recorded… so far.)

Barack Obama isn’t a nigger because of the color of his skin. He’s a nigger because of the content of his character.

I respect Dr. King. I agree with him. He was truly a great man. The hangers-on? Not so much. (And I include most of his parasitic, lazy family in that. He would be appalled and they should all be ashamed.)

And tomorrow… a man not eligible for American citizenship will likely sign his name to a bill that NOT ONE HUMAN BEING has EVER read. With his signature, it will become law. Sort of. The way they do it now. Everyone votes. On something they’ve never read – and couldn’t possibly. The “President” signs and we have a new law…. that costs YOU… next week, next month. next year… your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren… You gave them “your voice” with your vote, or lack of it.

“They” Just spent AT LEAST $3900 of your money NEXT YEAR.

But.

Who cares. It’s just those silly politicians doing what they do.

He’s pretty and he pretends to think when the lights are on.

Goodnight, America. I once loved you. But, like all dead things, I must let go of you. I’ll remember your greatness and I know you would never want me to cling to your rotting corpse.

So. I guess this must be goodbye.