Things you can’t fix
April 8th, 2006Tonight on the way home from the grocery store I had the following conversation with my daughters:
“I wish Mommy was here.”
“Why, honey?”
“Because then you could do your work and she could take care of us.”
(The child is only five years old and understands better than her mother does.)
“Yeah, that would be nice, dear. But that’s not how it is right now. Remember what I taught you about poker? You have to play the hand you’re dealt.”
“I know. (long pause) I wish we had a step-mommy.”
“WHAT?!?! You want a step-mother?!?”
“Yeah. At least there would be somebody to help you. She could take care of us while you did your work.” (Judging by her tone, I think she was more concerned about me than herself.)
(Other daughter) “But I wouldn’t want a step mother unless she was really nice, like Carol.” (Carol is the woman next door.) “I mean, we have a step-daddy in Georgia and he’s just mean. I like it here better.”
“I really just wish mommy would come back.”
Me, too, dear. Me, too.
If anybody knows what I’m supposed to say to that, please enlighten me. My daughters are priority number one to me and I often find myself in these situations where I’m left speechless because everything I want to say is inappropriate.
What I want to say is, “Tell your mother! She did this and it’s entirely up to her. If you’re suffering, it’s her fault!”
DC: I am speechless too. Your silence is wise. The girls will eventually stop seeing your wife as their mommy and start seeing her as another person. And then the real trouble will start.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but this is why I kind of think marrying a nice woman would be a very good and stable thing for yur girls to see.
Just a thought…
Today is my first reading of this site, and this post takes me back a few years. I have an 8 year old girl who I have 50/50 placement of now. She was 4 when the ex left, and I remember these questions well. JohnR is right… Your silence and simple agreement on the subject is wise. Never villify the ex to your kids… She has, and will do a good enough job of that herself. You just be the “sweet daddy” in thier eyes and they and you will be better off.
When my daughter was 5yo and my son was 2yo, their father had left 2.5 years previous when I was pregnant. He never called or came to see them. My 5yo told me one day to go and get a dress on. “Why, honey?” I asked. “Because,” she said, “we need to get you a husband. We’ll walk around the neighbourhood and take a look.” “I need a husband?” I asked, a bit nervously. “Yup,” she said, “but we won’t live with him today. We’ll come home tonight!”
I am a bit amazed that children seem to know how things are SUPPOSED to be, before their parents screwed it up.
BTW, I met her step-father when she was 8yo, and she approved of him. I never dated with my children’s knowledge. We introduced the kids when we were pretty close to engaged, and then they were part of the engagement. All 7 of them, (and then we had 3 more)!
Your girls are lovely, Mark. Keep up the good, honest work.
Carole, that’s an awesome story.
DC, you did the right thing. She’s going to villify herself in their eyes all on her own. I do the same thing when my daughter asks why mommy and I don’t live together.
Man, that has gotta be so hard to hear.
I’m so glad my mom didn’t villify our dad to us after he left. Heck, his silence and absence did enough on their own! I call him my “Holiday” dad. I’ll at least hear from him around my birthday and Christmas (of course, since they’re both in December that leaves a whole lotta empty year). Oh well, his loss.
Well it’s a good sign of what kind of parent you are that they feel this way. Means you’ve obviously been raising them right.
Things you can’t fix… Your title hit me right between the eyes, to find out why read my last three posts. You are doing a good job with them. Kiss them, hug them and just let them know they are loved.