Digital Cowboy

Me and my brother-in-law, J.D.
Drove to Bristol, Tennessee.
To watch that Goody’s race,
Beneath the lights.

Sky was dark.
It looked like rain.
Left over from that hurricane.
J.D. said, “Lay back. It’s wet tonight.”

Now ol’ J.D., he’s a real nice man.
Even though he’s a Rusty Wallace fan.
And won’t drink nothing
But Miller Genuine Draft.

He said, “Number two’s goin’ all the way!”
“Ya won’t beat Rusty.”
“Not today.”
“He’s the short track King.”
I just had to laugh.

I’m an Earnhardt man, ya see.
I live and die by number three.
And any fool knows,
Ya always bet on black.

Me and J.D., we argue some.
I say he’s crazy,
He says I’m dumb.
But just like Rusty and Dale,
We always take it back.

Mother nature
Give us the shaft.
We sat in the rain,
For a hour and a half.

It was just too doggone wet to race.

When they dried the track
And dropped the flag,
Me and J.D.’s
About half in the bag.
He was hollerin’, “Rusty!”
And gettin’ all in my face.

Long about lap 32,
Car three caught up with number two.
They touched and
Rusty went up in the wall.

J.D. hollered,
“There, now see?”
“That no-good, cheatin’ SOB!”
“I hate his guts!”
“I can’t believe his gall.”

I said, “That’s just racin’.”
“He got tagged.”
Then the man in black got black flagged.
They stuck him at the tail end of the pack.

J.D. said, “Now whatcha gonna do?”
“Just sit back and watch number two.”
I said, “We’re down but,
We’re comin’ back.”

Sure enough,
Ol’ ironhead
Came through the pack
Like a needle and thread.

(Though he might have bumped a few on the way.)

Meanwhile, Rusty’s efforts came to nil.
He got tangled up with Awesome Bill.
Forty-six laps down.
It wasn’t much to see.

Terry Labonte was in the lead,
When that three car poured on a burst of speed,
And knocked him in the wall at the checkered flag.

Terry come up smilin’
Just the same.
Said, “No hard feelin’s!”
Down in victory lane.

It was just another game of NASCAR tag.

All of a sudden,
Minutes later,
Rusty walked up to the Intimidator
And said, “Darlington’s next week! I’ll see ya there!”

He looked about as mad as Schwarzenegger.
And said, “I ain’t forgot about Talledegar!”
Then he throwed his water bottle through the air.

You could see it there,
In Rusty’s face.
The boy had had him a real tough race.
That explains his anger,
I suppose.

He got so mad,
That things got scary.
But I don’t think it was necessary,
To bounce a bottle off Earnhardt’s nose.

Me and J.D looked down in the pits.
J.D. said, “That’s what he gets!”
“Go on, Rusty! Break him right in half!”

I said, “J.D., you must be bent.”
“That thing was all a accident.”
Then he hit me in the head
With his Miller Genuine Draft.

I turned around and looked at him,
And he looked back,
And I looked back,
And we just stood there lookin’ at one another.

I felt my face gettin’ red.
And then I went upside his head.
And said a few choice words
About his mother.

We was whalin’ on each other hard.
And this big, ol’ fat security guard
Come whacked us both
With his big, old wooden club.

He put an end
To our debate.
Throwed us both out,
Through the back gate.
And said, “Don’t y’all never come back in here, Bub!”

Well, Rusty and Dale’s
Longtime friends.
I reckon that they’ll
Both make amends,
And do the right thing.
If ya give ‘em half a chance.

Ol’ Earnhardt’s a real tough mother.
But him and Rusty
Like one another.
And besides,
They’re both scared o’ ol’ Bill Frantz.

Me and J.D.’s friends again.
This weekend we’re gonna take a spin,
Down to Darlington
And watch ‘em go real fast.

My brother-in-law’s
Still my best friend.
But if he ever hits me with a bottle again….

I swear I’m gonna kick his ever-lovin’ ass!

I still miss Dale and that black number three.