Digital Cowboy

Jesus was born sometime in April, but I can put aside pedantics and play along. After all, I’m all for celebrating the birth of my Savior whenever we choose to do it.

I’ve got all the partridges, french hens and calling birds, I need, though. Maybe a gift card for Target if you’re feeling generous. And here’s some Christmas lyrics to stump ya too:

Well, St. Nick
Met this fine chick
Early one Christmas day.

And just because
He was Santa Claus,
She invited him to stay.

He said, “Do I know you?”
She said, “Well now ya do!”
As she went to lock the door.

And being sexy,
As she was,
He thought he’d stay for more.

Well, Santa smiled
‘Cause he loved the style
And he wanted to be there.

Like a brand new toy,
She jumped for joy.
You should’ve seen him turning red.

Just like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
He had a very shiny nose….

The sad thing is that’s not even close to the dirtiest Christmas song in my iTunes library.

*wandering away singing*

“Jingle bells. Jingle bells. Jingle all the way.”

“Ho-ho-ho, little girl! What do you want for Christmas?”

“Oh, but Santa, I’m a big girl now.”

“Come sit on Santa’s lap and tell him all about it.”

Howard Stern Bids Farewell to His FM Fans

Now I’ve figured it out. I’m too smart to be rich. See, I always think like me and the world is stupid.

You can get rich selling ring tones for cell phones or by making dumb jokes about titties and lesbians on the radio.

I’ve overestimated my market. The masses are really stupid. I think like an intelligent man when my market is made up of millions of Beavis clones. Howard’s not stupid. He’s just signed a $500 million contract.

Did you get that? A half billion.

If I can just learn to stop thinking and dumb myself down, I can cash in too.

A wise man once told me, “It takes no salesman to sell people what they want. It takes a salesman to sell people what they need. That’s why I hired you. I know you can do it.”

He was right. People will find what they want and find a way to get it. They won’t pay for what they need.

If I seem cynical to you, it’s because I’ve been around a while and I’m a keen observer.

Round ‘em all up and shoot ‘em.

Ron Paul’s the only human being inside the beltway that doesn’t deserve a bullet between the eyes. (I don’t know how Ron does it, but I’m sure glad he does. “Dr. No” indeed.)

Tom Delay? Guilty. But hold on a minute…

Ted Kennedy is a felon but for a bank roll. And it’s a bank roll that came from bootlegging. Law and order? The Kennedys have never even heard of it. You can’t get rich obeying the law. By it’s nature, the law makes anything outside it a profit center. Kennedys are sleazy, but they’re not stupid. Where the law is, you’ll find a Kennedy skirting it.

Ha-ha. I said “kennedys” and “skirtin’” in the same sentence.

Don’t get me started on Pelosi. That bitch is not only stupid, but crazy too. It’s pretty obvious if you just attempt to look into her eyes. Don’t try it at home. She’s very, very dumb and nuts. You can lose yourself in her psycho eyes if you’re not careful.

Republican, Democrat… I don’t care. Shoot ‘em all. Most of ‘em are lawyers. We’ll kill two birds with one stone.

“Every man oughta have a wife. They’s some things you can’t even blame on the government.” — Jed Clampett

Ol’ Jed was a lot smarter than he looked.

He’s too good to let it go…

Sometimes I do things on my own
And sometimes, I drift out all alone

Father, please, keep me in your reach.

Sometimes I do things my own way
And sometimes, my heart begins to stray.

Father, please, keep me in your reach.

‘Cause I know
I know I’ll make mistakes
Lord, I pray
I pray that you will stay.

‘Cause sometimes
Strength is hard to find
And sometimes
I wanna run and hide.

Father, please,
I beg you, please,
keep me in your reach.