Vanity is ugly but…
November 29th, 2005Male vanity is perverse and decidedly un-masculine. I’ve seen it in various forms and I’ve always found it amusing. I’m going to give you at least a couple of lists here so you can determine if you have this disease, girls.
- If you regularly blow dry your hair before leaving the house and/or spend more time on it than your wife does on hers.
- If you think wearing sunglasses indoors or at night makes you look like anything except stupid.
- If you’re older than 30 and still think that “ink” is important. Tattoos don’t make you look tough. They almost always make you look foolishly and tastelessly vain.
- If you think that sleeveless shirts are about image. (They can be grudgingly accepted if your honest intent is comfort.)
- If you “accessorize” any part of your body. Score this one triple if you do it with studded leather. Double that score again if it’s completely useless studded leather.
- Retouching on the first one again - (I intentionally saved this one for last) - if you think that there is anything whatsoever manly about beads or feathers in your hair.
OK. Those were all inspired directly by my folly of just watching part of an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E. But that’s only what finally inspired me to do the post. The trash chasing the trash on that show are certainly not the only offenders. Here’s some more:
- If you consider “updating” your wardrobe to be a regular necessity. Double the score if you think it’s required at least seasonally. Double it again if you consult any magazine before doing it.
- If you own more than 5 pairs of shoes. (I’m being liberal here. Three pair at any one time should be more than enough for any man.)
- If you use anything more specialized than dandruff shampoo on your hair
- If you own and/or use any sort of facial treatment besides a razor. This includes anything other than shaving cream or soap. (Even shaving cream’s questionable to me, but I’m liberal and I know some guys have sensitive skin.)
- If you have ever worn any type of makeup on purpose without the express reason being a TV or movie appearance or a clown costume.
- If you have ever painted your fingernails or toenails. Add a hundred points if you had your picture professionally taken with any of the painted nails visible. Double that score if they were painted black.
- If you have ever scheduled a “photo shoot” that didn’t include anyone else but you. Add a point for every 5 minutes you spent debating about your wardrobe for said shoot.
Some exceptions can be made. If you’re in a position to wear very nice clothes, a bracelet, cuff links and a tasteful ring (on the ring finger) can some times work. Pinky rings are always right out as are necklaces. Even the allowances for a bracelet and a ring are very questionable. Even more questionable but some times excusable is a tastefully done earring.
Also, youthful indiscretions can some times be excused. Growing into a man often takes time. But if you are over 22 and have a problem with any of these statements, you’re a late bloomer with a lot to learn about masculinity.
Finally, if you are truly one of the rare few that make your living on your appearance, some of these rules can be waived. If you’re just dreaming of a life in network news or entertainment, you’re without excuse. And, no, I don’t excuse the “hair bands” of the ’80s. I dug some of their music but made fun of their hair, makeup and jewelry back then, too.
If you want to score this, give yourself one point for each unless otherwise stated, being careful to follow the specific scoring rules included with some of them.
If you score more than 12 you’re definitely a girly man.
When my hair was longer I would blow dry it before going out side in a Minnesota winter or if I took a shower right before bed.
I think I have more than 5 pairs of shoes but I only have 3 pair that I wear regularly.
That’s it for me. The rest don’t apply.
lol I was just watching that Dog guy last night too :P And what’s up with his woman and her one large boob?
Any points for guys who shower using a poof and body wash? My husband and brother both do that, for some reason. I thought all guys used a washcloth and a bar of soap (if that).
“If that” is about right. All I need is hot water and a bar of soap. In a pinch I can do without one or the other.
I’m sorry to hear about the boys in your life, Andrea. Perhaps we’re all used to too much comfort these days. There was a time when real cowboys didn’t get a bath until they got paid. A hot bath was a luxury. They’d sometimes go 2 or 3 months between ‘em.
Some times I feel I’m reliving the old west. Most often, I don’t care.
Add 10 points if….
You ever questioned someone’s friendship or honesty when they didn’t, comment, email, call, fax, send a certified letter, fed ex, use sky writing, smoke signal, or telegram to let you know that a picture of yourself wasn’t showing up properly on your blog.
;-)
Careful there, Res. We could easily add “Didn’t send the hometown obituary of a cowboy idol when they offered and then promised.”
I don’t hold that against ya unless it’s convenient. But ya just went and made it convenient.
Daddy said a man keeps his promises. He also said that a man some times can’t keep his promise because life intervenes. That he’s only judged by God and He, thankfully, looks on the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Daddy was durn smart. I think the kids would call it wise, these days… if any of ‘em were that smart.
I think the picture you mention will give me a score pretty close to zero, too.
I have a hard time picturing Difster using a blow dryer, even if for a good reason.
As for my man’s showering habits, I guess I’m just used to it. He takes longer showers than I do. He likes to stand in there and contemplate life.
I know what you mean about our comfortable lives. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I have a feeling all this comfort and convenience will soon be a thing of the past.
“I don’t hold that against ya unless it’s convenient. But ya just went and made it convenient.”
I’m sorry already. I went and bought you an extra copy but it got thrown out. At least you would have said thanks, Nate never even said he got his copy.
I was serious about not holding it against ya. I really don’t. I said then that it was awful nice of ya just to offer, and I meant it.
But if you start comparing me to Nate, we’re gonna have to fight. In the street. At high noon.
(Im joking about that, too. I know you could both outdraw and out shoot me.)
I got a few more girly-man things to offer up.
gets a hair cut more than once a month
worry’s daily that their belt and shoes match
will spend more than $200 on a pair of shoes for purely aesthetic reasons
gets regular manicures and/or pedicures
makes use of high quality cosmetic dermatological services
actually worry’s about the pores on their nose being too large
actually spends thousands on cosmetic plastic surgery
visits a tanning booth or better yet gets a spray-on tan in the winter
gossips with the intention of finding out what others think of themselves
more familiar with clothes designers than with tool companies
I’m not gonna hit ya.
I’m not gonna hit ya.
Like hell I’m not.
minus 5 girlie points for the movie.
I agree with ya, Athor. I’ve got some caveats on the second and third on your list, though.
I reckon a fella oughta have a gunbelt that matches his boots.
I can’t wait for the day that I can afford to buy a custom made pair of Lucchese’s. I’ll probably have ‘em make a belt and holster while they’re there.
Won’t be a vanity thing, though. It’ll be just for me.
Do I get plus 5 bonus points for not knowin’ the movie?
I’m usually good at movie quotes and that’n sounds familiar, but I can’t place it.
Hint:
The Duke said it.
I was hearing his voice as it was playing over in my mind, but I still can’t place it. I’m ashamed to say that I don’t know his movies that well. There’s only a few that I’ve seen more than once.
Is it Rio Bravo?
(I could look it up in a few seconds, but where’s the challenge in that?)
I messed up the quote.
It should be;
“somebody otta belt you in the mouth… but I won’t… I won’t… the hell I won’t!”
1963 was the year.
I let it go a little longer to see if anybody gets it.
DOH!. I should know this. I saw it not too long ago….
Was it the one with Kate Hepburn?
I think Kate was in it.
It also has some great advice on how to make a marriage work.
Two things;
1. With my hair this short, I have to get it cut (buzzed) about once every two weeks because it grows so fast (cry your eyes out baldies).
2. The shower thing. I’ll probably get a couple of girlie points for this but I take long showers. Not only long showers, but I also take long baths. I know, I know. I like to sit in the tub and read; it’s great solitude. I don’t use bubble bath though and I don’t wash with a poofie.
Dif… I’m now poking my minds eye. Thanks.
How about if you can name the cologne your friend is wearing after only being in his presence less than 1 minute?
Using the word “fabulous” in any context.
I am also suspicious of copious use of chapstick. (grace given for those in super dry climates during the cold season)
My hubby uses body wash, but no wash cloth or poofies. He does spend more time on his hair because he puts enough gel in it to glue together the space station. Maybe he’ll grow out of it (one can hope). He has three pairs of shoes -his cowboy boots, sneakers, good shoes, oh yeah, and a pair of flip-flops for showering at the gym. He does liberally use chapstick, but I would complain if he didn’t, kissing chapped lips is no fun! One thing he does is wear tack pins - flags, Air Force logo, etc. Drives me nuts! I hate tack pins - they’re so, well, tacky. Oh well. I love him anyway. :)
The Winner is nobody:
McClintock
1963
John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara teemed up again for this romantic comedy.
A bracelet? A BRACELET?!!?! On a man?
No.
A watch is the only true ‘jewelry’ accessory - other than a wedding ring - a man should ever wear.
As far as Wayne and O’Hara, ‘Quiet Man’ is another good one.