Digital Cowboy

Digital Cowboy
Poker is life. Life is poker.

Archive for November, 2005

Listen to me, guys.

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

I know what I’m talking about. I’m not sayin’ it’s bad. But here’s da ting ya gotta know:

When a woman moves all-in, she’s never bluffin’. Broads don’t know how to bluff. Ya got to get dat tru yer tick heads. A bunch of ‘em don’t even know how to read the cards.

Dont’cha never call unless you mean to be all da way in.. ‘Cause dat’s where you’ll be if you make da mistake of tinkin’ a woman’s bluffin’. Dey go all-in, you get starry-eyed, and the next ting ya know – Boom. Ya got nuttin’. She went all-in and you ain’t got nuttin’ but a bad beat story to tell.

But I was just talking about finishing second in a poker tournament to a young mother. It was all analogy. Seriously.

She was quite charming and I’m sure by now you’ve all realized that I was only kidding when I made my original slogan, “Poker is life and life is poker.”

Is the pope something special?

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

Let me say again at the outset that I have nothing against catholics, but I have much against their gnostic religion. Many of my relatives and friends are catholics. Without exception, they’re the finest people I’ve ever known.

The religion is a whole lot of un-biblical silliness. It’s satanism at its purest. He’s made himself god. At least there.

They go, unconvincingly, to great lengths these days to swear that they never said the pope is infallible, that they don’t worship the “virgin” Mary, etc. (Psst. She’s not a virgin anymore. She had a bunch of Joseph’s kids the regular way after Jesus was born. Some of ‘em even wrote books!)

I don’t really mean to make fun, but it’s hard not to. The Bible bears out almost none of their beliefs. I’ll even give them the benefit of the doubt and let them use their special Bible to prove them (or disprove me). After all, according to them, they canonized the Bible and Luther perverted it. Sounds good. But it’s just not historically accurate. Besides that, as I’ve pointed out, their own canonization of the Bible doesn’t support many of the beliefs they’re taught in the catechism.

Satan gave up on being openly, directly worshipped long, long ago. If he can pervert you enough to direct your attention away from scripture and worship of Jehovah, he succeeds. He knows his fate. He’s not looking for worshippers now, he’s looking for recruits because misery loves company. The catholic church is his greatest achievement in history.

“Pray to the saints. Set men up to decide who will be saints and your ‘pope’ – the supreme voice about what God says. The virgin Mary can get your prayers to Jesus. Confess your sins anonymously to another man that you call father and then do the penance he gives you. If you do, your sins will be forgiven. If you desire to serve God you must be celibate.”

Not a whit of that is scriptural. Even in the catholic perversion of the Bible. Most of it is directly contrary to what the Bible says. Even theirs. But that’s what they were taught. Maybe that’s what David was talking about in Psalm 44 when he said:

Yea, for thy sake are we killed all the day long; we are counted as sheep for the slaughter

I’ve never known a catholic that didn’t live the Word better than most protestants and we should all be ashamed for that. I’ve also never known one that didn’t believe the Bible was the inerrant word of God Almighty and also had no clue what it says. They can recite liturgies in a language they don’t understand, know when to sit stand and kneel, tell you nearly everything they learned in catechism, but they can’t tell you why they believe anything they believe beyond, “Because the priest said so.” (Paraphrasing.)

There will be many, many catholics in heaven. I’ll be proud to say I know some of them. But they mostly got there without knowledge. God can work in anything, even satan’s perversion of truth, and His mercy and grace never fail.

We’ve all got a lot to learn yet. One of the few things I’ve learned is that you’ll never get truth from one that doesn’t know it. The catholic “church” is the blind leading the blind. You’ll never get truth from the pope. He’s already thrown his life away on a lie. But they voted him in, so he must be God’s choice, right? Just like Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Abe Lincoln, FDR, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush… (pick your poison, I could go on all night). Right? They were all elected. Oh. I forgot, the pope was elected by a chosen few. Chosen by God, huh? Who was it that chose them? The last pope. Right! Now it all makes sense. An organization built by fallible men, run for centuries by fallible men and the fallible men have a popular vote on the “voice of God” whenever the current “voice of God” croaks. It’s OK. The smoke makes it all official with God. I saw that on the news.

I’m sure the pope would condemn my “gambling” at poker. My game is poker and his is catholicism. Two very different games of skill. He won. I often do, too.

Perhaps I should go to confession and see what the penance is. “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. My last confession was before you were born and I’ve done a bunch of stuff since then that is covered by the shed blood of Christ and is none of your business. What’s my penance?”

Recite a bunch of memorized prayers to a dead woman over and over? Cool! That’s easy enough. See ya next week.

The problem is that it’s both easier and harder than that.

But first we must get a decision from the god in Rom – er- we have to get a decision from the Vatican about whether or not “limbo” really exists. (That’s where babies go if they die before they’re properly “baptized” without their knowledge, understanding or consent.) I’m hoping he’ll give us a ruling on fairies – true or false – right after that one.

Vanity is ugly but…

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005

Male vanity is perverse and decidedly un-masculine. I’ve seen it in various forms and I’ve always found it amusing. I’m going to give you at least a couple of lists here so you can determine if you have this disease, girls.

  • If you regularly blow dry your hair before leaving the house and/or spend more time on it than your wife does on hers.
  • If you think wearing sunglasses indoors or at night makes you look like anything except stupid.
  • If you’re older than 30 and still think that “ink” is important. Tattoos don’t make you look tough. They almost always make you look foolishly and tastelessly vain.
  • If you think that sleeveless shirts are about image. (They can be grudgingly accepted if your honest intent is comfort.)
  • If you “accessorize” any part of your body. Score this one triple if you do it with studded leather. Double that score again if it’s completely useless studded leather.
  • Retouching on the first one again – (I intentionally saved this one for last) – if you think that there is anything whatsoever manly about beads or feathers in your hair.

OK. Those were all inspired directly by my folly of just watching part of an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E. But that’s only what finally inspired me to do the post. The trash chasing the trash on that show are certainly not the only offenders. Here’s some more:

  • If you consider “updating” your wardrobe to be a regular necessity. Double the score if you think it’s required at least seasonally. Double it again if you consult any magazine before doing it.
  • If you own more than 5 pairs of shoes. (I’m being liberal here. Three pair at any one time should be more than enough for any man.)
  • If you use anything more specialized than dandruff shampoo on your hair
  • If you own and/or use any sort of facial treatment besides a razor. This includes anything other than shaving cream or soap. (Even shaving cream’s questionable to me, but I’m liberal and I know some guys have sensitive skin.)
  • If you have ever worn any type of makeup on purpose without the express reason being a TV or movie appearance or a clown costume.
  • If you have ever painted your fingernails or toenails. Add a hundred points if you had your picture professionally taken with any of the painted nails visible. Double that score if they were painted black.
  • If you have ever scheduled a “photo shoot” that didn’t include anyone else but you. Add a point for every 5 minutes you spent debating about your wardrobe for said shoot.

Some exceptions can be made. If you’re in a position to wear very nice clothes, a bracelet, cuff links and a tasteful ring (on the ring finger) can some times work. Pinky rings are always right out as are necklaces. Even the allowances for a bracelet and a ring are very questionable. Even more questionable but some times excusable is a tastefully done earring.

Also, youthful indiscretions can some times be excused. Growing into a man often takes time. But if you are over 22 and have a problem with any of these statements, you’re a late bloomer with a lot to learn about masculinity.

Finally, if you are truly one of the rare few that make your living on your appearance, some of these rules can be waived. If you’re just dreaming of a life in network news or entertainment, you’re without excuse. And, no, I don’t excuse the “hair bands” of the ’80s. I dug some of their music but made fun of their hair, makeup and jewelry back then, too.

If you want to score this, give yourself one point for each unless otherwise stated, being careful to follow the specific scoring rules included with some of them.

If you score more than 12 you’re definitely a girly man.

Just when you think…

Sunday, November 27th, 2005

The world’s not all bad.

A neighbor knocked on my door tonight. He had a plate of food in each hand. I’m not starving but it’s damn nice to think that someone is thinking about me. It’s not the food, it’s the principle.

The food’s not bad, either. Turkey and bread and an entire chocolate pie. He even threw in some of his homemade salsa. (He’s a mexican and his salsa is a private recipe. It’s as good and as hot as it gets. I LOVE it!)

I’m very fortunate. I have great neighbors on both sides of me.

This world’s not such a bad place to be. I have far more love than I deserve.

Lyrics to drink to

Sunday, November 27th, 2005

I could say it’s over now.
That I was glad to see you go.
I could hate you for the way I’m feelin’.
My lips could tell a lie,
but my heart would know.

It’s a sin to make me cry.
When you know I love you so.
I could tell my heart that I don’t miss you.
My lips could tell a lie,
but my heart would know.

I could give you all the blame.
But I’m sure the truth would show.
I could tell this world that
I’ve found a new love.
My lips could tell a lie,
but my heart would know.