Digital Cowboy

Just ask some o’ them fictional broads on “Sex and the City.”

I hate men, too. I stopped datin’ ‘em right after I realized they were crude and smelly.

Get a grip, girls. You only run the world as long as we let you.

Curious yet?

We usually let you run stuff because you’re cute. It might be a bit more complex than that, but let’s keep it simple. Here’s what ya need to know that the modern world ain’t gonna tell ya:

We can beat you to death anytime we feel like it. If that seems wrong to you, it’d probably be good to look around carefully before you challenge the idea.

We’re bigger than you, stronger than you and built for violence. You’re not.

Lucky for you, we’re not as evil as you were taught we were.

I got commercials on TV telling me that “Maitreya, The World Teacher is ‘now among us.’”

Duh. Paul and John saw that coming 2000 years ago and warned us, idiot. You’re buying local commercials on late night TV? That’s the best you can do? You’re dumber than I thought. I do appreciate ya lettin’ us know the time has come with commercials on TV. I’m tempted to donate. Just so you can be more obvious.

That’s just the latest of my frustrations. Had a DJ just answer the phone after I’d been on hold for a while and then just hang up on me. No explanation. Nothing. Just a click. “Range. Hello.” (I speak here.) Click.

I’ll let Brett Dillon slide. Could’ve been a mistake and that’s probably not even his real name. Besides it wasn’t the worst of today. Just turned 7:00 and I’ve already had a bad day. Go ahead and tell me that’s normal.

I also showed up at Sonic this morning with a complaint. Door was unlocked and the lights were on. I boldly walked right in the door that read “Employees Only.” I felt entitled since I had a complaint. Nobody home. It’s a damn good thing I’m not the thieving type, as I had the run of the store. Is that another complaint, now?

I left there pissed off and went to the convenience store just down the road. I needed some beer for later. I realize it’s unusual to be out buying beer at 6:20 in the morning. But I didn’t intend to drink it right then. (As far as YOU know. Put that finger away!)

The nice young lady (who was just doing her job) gave me a queer look and said, “Can’t buy that until 7:00!”

“Seven, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s 6:20. Can we cut some slack?”

“Nope. Can’t buy that ’til 7:00.”

“Says who?”

“The LAW!”

“The law’s not here. It’s just me and you.”

(Indignantly) “I am NOT ALLOWED TO SELL that to you until seven o’clock!”

I left the beer sitting in front of her on the counter and walked out sad. I’ll confess that I spent part of the drive home cussing Baptists because they happen to be the ones most commonly guilty of that crazy self-righteousness around here.

I forgave them. Living in fear isn’t fun. That’s why I stopped doing it. Maybe one of these days, they will too. When they do, they can also put away their guns and I’ll be able to buy a beer any time I want to.

They’re fearing the wrong stuff and that makes it impossible for them to walk in love… or know mercy… or grace.

Religion sure is ugly. Totalitarianism is, too.

God help the rulers when we’ve had enough and start questioning authority.

Don’t call him a cowboy
Until you’ve seen him ride.
That Stetson hat
And those fancy boots
Don’t tell ya what’s inside.

If he ain’t good in the saddle,
Lord ya won’t be satisfied.
So don’t call him a cowboy
Until you’ve seen him ride.

“Before ya turn me on,
Ya better be sure you can turn me loose.
‘Cuz I still got a whole lotta leavin’ left to do.”

I never thought I’d be starting over with nothing again at thirty-five, but that’s where I am. Twenty years ago I figured I’d have the world by the tail at this point in my life. Fortunately, I’ve already done that startin’ over thing twice, so I already know how.

Jesus, Mama, my sister and that old truck have been the only things I could ever trust in this life. They’ve all taken good care of me and I’ve slept in that truck before. I’m not too proud to do it again. It’s fourteen years old and I have had it for 11 of ‘em. I take care of it and it’s taken care of me. Both my mother and my sister have been far more generous to me than I deserve.

Looks like it’s about leavin’ time again. I love Texas, but if it’s time to start over again, I think I’ll do it in Vegas this time. I’ll come back here and buy a big ranch after the suckers make me rich… again.

Be warned: I’ve already done it twice with hard work. I’m too old to try that again. I also didn’t have two pretty little girls to think of the last two times. This time I’ll be ruthless. I want your money.

All of it.

Now.

You needn’t fear me. I’m not a violent man. But I’ve got no more mercy for the stupid. A wise poker player once said it’s a crime to let a sucker keep his money. I always felt it was my duty to protect dumb people from themselves. That just got me really, really poor. So that’s all changed now. The dumb people are all livin’ better than me and I’ve got daughters countin’ on me. I’ve also got debts to pay to the people that have always loved me and been there for me.

You’re probably not one of them. I pay my debts. If I owe you, you know where to find me. If you don’t know where to find me, I don’t owe you anything.

It’s my turn.

Shuffle up and deal.

Cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts
Are two things that stay the same.
So when the world starts spinnin’ and your head hurts,
There’s cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts.

Now the shade tree mechanic is a dinosaur.
You can’t cuss, ya can’t smoke, ya can’t spit on the floor.
Don’t hit on a woman, or she might sue.
Ya can’t buy beer in this state past two.

But that cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts
Are two things that stay the same.
So when the world starts spinnin’ and your head hurts,
There’s cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts.

Now Buddha’s legal but Jesus ain’t.
The saints are all sinners and the sinners are saints.
It’s not how ya play, it’s the final score.
They don’t show MASH on the tube anymore.

But that cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts
Are two things that stay the same.
So when the world starts spinnin’ and your head hurts,
There’s cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts.

And now lovers usually leave at the drop of a ring.
Daddy doesn’t smile when a mockingbird sings.
The kids are in school but they’re all packin’ guns.
The losers live forever and the good die young.

But that cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts
Are two things that stay the same.
So when the world starts spinnin’ and your head hurts,
There’s cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts.

Now the stars are all fallen, outta the sky.
The doors are all locked and the bottle is dry.
So pass me a chew and I’ll sing you a song.
If there’s a problem with that, we can get along.

But that cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts
Are two things that stay the same.
So when the world starts spinnin’ and your head hurts,
There’s cheap bourbon whiskey and pearl snap shirts.