Do you still love me?
May 29th, 2005My wife once said to me, “I don’t love you anymore and I never can again.” She said this after she had left me and was already living with another man. That was a long time ago in the overall scheme of things.
But I still don’t understand it. My response to her was, “Either you never did or you still do. In either case, your statement is false.”
Never in my life have I ever asked someone, “Do you still love me?” It’s silly. Love is eternal. It doesn’t come and go and it cannot be turned on and off. Anyone who disagrees with me here does not understand love and what it means.
Herein lies my pain. I gave my life to her when I married her. I don’t know how to stop loving her. I’m not some silly, spineless man pining for her. I just don’t know how to take back a covenant commitment. They call it a “life commitment” for a reason. No matter how much she hurts me, it doesn’t change the promise I made.
Except… it’s only a life commitment for a man. A woman is free to play the field, marry, divorce and always walk away a winner. A woman has absolute freedom in America in 2005 because she will never be held responsible for anything. And there’s always a man she can force (or con) to carry her baggage.
Congratulations, Feminists. You won. Your prize is a nation of men that hate and distrust you. Stop whining to me about men that “use” you. You taught us that.
Kill the guy and drag her back by the hair.
Or realize she breached the contract, and move on.
Find her twin.
Love is eternal. It doesn’t come and go and it cannot be turned on and off.
It depends on which form of love you are talking about.
Eros? That can come and go. Agape? Well, even the Bible says that eventually, the love of most will grow cold.
God is perfect and His love endures. We mortals have to work at it. We can reject it and harden our hearts to it.
You just knew I was going to argue this point with you didn’t you?
I was told that you never stop loving your first wife. I’d say that’s true but reality and time come into play.
Who I thought she was is not who she is. It’s like who I loved was a fleeting glilmpse of what she thought she should be, not what she is. Turned out that what she wanted didn’t include me.
Time heals all wounds. Sounds trite and condescending typing it here but it does. Prayer also helps alot.
I also beat the living daylights out of a heavybag at the gym for about two years. After all was done, I think that did more for me than anything. It was a healthy way to vent the anger, hurt, and rage I had.
Who I thought she was is not who she is. It’s like who I loved was a fleeting glilmpse of what she thought she should be, not what she is.
A perfect description of my situation. How a person can hide who they really are for 5 years is amazing to me.
The sad thing is I don’t even like her anymore but I can’t stop loving her. As for time healing all wounds, I think that’s bullshit. Some wounds never heal. I certainly agree that prayer helps. But time? Nah. It’s been a long time and this wound just keeps coming back.
Also, I’m not as miserable and depressed as I probably seem here. I vent with words. Call this blog my heavy bag.
What I’ve found is that love is a choice. It is an act of will. It is not a feeling. It can accompany good emotions but the love is not the emotion.
You made a vow to love your wife. That you find it impossible to go back on your own word is a sign of a deep commitment to and identification with God.
Your ex-wife had to tell you she didn’t love you. It’s one of the things she had to do in her attempt at being internally consistent. She knows she is an adulteress. But she is trying to build a reality in her mind of inevitability, that she had no choice, that it wasn’t her fault and is therefore not guilty. For her the feeling of love was part of the marriage vow, for her to lose the feeling was to be free of the vow. Sounds pretty stupid doesn’t it? The rationalization I mean.
My ex told me the same thing. Except she said that she had never loved me. It’s been more than ten years for me. I have gotten past it, you will too. That you still love her will make it easier to let go of whatever you anger you have.
I can sympathize. My soon-to-be-ex told me that she stopped loving me years ago, and was only staying for the sake of the kids. She’s gone, the kids are still with me. And I still love her. I took the vow, and I meant it. All I can do now is pray for her. Even if she never comes back to me, I still am concerned for her soul.
Chicks dig that whole ‘broken-hearted man’ thing, work with it. Use it. I used to sit there in the bar and stare at my wedding ring and sigh, and someone would bite every time.
And clicking on the title of the post really does work, much better.
A very interesting website. I plan to access it again when I get home and have more time. There is much I need to look into here.
I just surfed in and found your site, I really enjoyed the visit and hope to come back soon. nice Site!
George Jones and “I stopped loving her today” sums it up pretty good.
I just want you to know that I think you did a terrific job on this websight.
THE POSTER WROTE: “My wife once said to me, “I don’t love you anymore and I never can again.” She said this after she had left me and was already living with another man. That was a long time ago in the overall scheme of things.
But I still don’t understand it. My response to her was, “Either you never did or you still do. In either case, your statement is false.”
Never in my life have I ever asked someone, “Do you still love me?” It’s silly. Love is eternal. It doesn’t come and go and it cannot be turned on and off. Anyone who disagrees with me here does not understand love and what it means.
Herein lies my pain. I gave my life to her when I married her. I don’t know how to stop loving her. I’m not some silly, spineless man pining for her. I just don’t know how to take back a covenant commitment. They call it a “life commitment” for a reason. No matter how much she hurts me, it doesn’t change the promise I made.”
MY RESPONSE: My husband of 30 years did the same thing to me. I loved him and I still love him. Like you, I made a vow and I don’t understand how he could do such a thing to me. To make matters worse, I’ve just discovered that the woman he is with is the very same woman he had an affair with 20 years ago, only to return to me and our children expresessing profound sorrow and grief, and begging for forgiveness. So, he screwed me over twice. I feel like I’m being tortured. I am not a person to ‘hate’ anyone, so my feelings of anger have no place to go. It’s very sad for me to read that you apparently hate women now, and to stereotype every American woman is just unfair and frankly, ignorant.
POSTER WROTE: “Except… it’s only a life commitment for a man. A woman is free to play the field, marry, divorce and always walk away a winner. A woman has absolute freedom in America in 2005 because she will never be held responsible for anything. And there’s always a man she can force (or con) to carry her baggage.”
Congratulations, Feminists. You won. Your prize is a nation of men that hate and distrust you. Stop whining to me about men that “use” you. You taught us that.
MY RESPONSE:
“Walk away a winner?” Do YOU feel like a winner? Your statement is preposterous, and it obviously generates from your pain and anger, but it’s very unfair. I quit college with a 4.0 average and took two jobs so that my husband could go to college, Law School and the more graduate school. I keep a meticulous home and do not have a housekeeper or a fancy car. No one takes care of my children but me. I was a faithful, loving and devoted wife, and I am an attractive woman with a slim body and a pretty face ~ as a matter of fact, I have modeled. None of that really matters in these situations, you see? He on the other hand, is short, bald, and not so attractive in his ‘old’ age (50). I loved him the way he was. I would have loved him if he’d lost an eye or a leg. He was my husband. Your bitterness makes me wonder about how you presented your skewed view of your existence to your wife ~ perhaps you were as miserable before she left you as you are now, but just angrier because you got dumped. I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but people do this to each other every day. It’s wonderful to read a man’s post that says he devotedly loved his wife, but your apparent hatred towards all women because of something ONE woman did to you is unfair. You start your post off quite dignifiedly, but you quickly lost respect with your response. I assure you that there are many, many good women out there. I’m one of them, and know many, many more. I only pray that you are not ignorant enough to pass your theories about the opposite sex onto your children, which, if you do, in the long run, will cause a perpetuation of pain and confusion that will surely follow them into their adult lives and relationships. That, Sir, would be the biggest tragedy of all this. I am not particularly regligious, but perhaps you are. And maybe you’re just sick with grief. I sympthasize, believe me, but you need to ask God to take the pain away and while you are at it, ask him to guide you to do the right thing. You can’t make someone love you that doesn’t love you. I am suffering over the loss of the only man I will surely ever truly love, but I’m not so pathetic that I will waste what’s left of this precious life God has given me on hate. Good luck to you. When you love someone, if that someone wants to be free, then you have to let them go. If they return, it was meant to be, if not, then it was never meant to be anyway (or however that saying, author unknown, goes). Pick up your broken heart and move on.
The guy who suggested using a punching bag had a great idea. Go take your anger out on the gym. Move on. It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I don’t think you are going to get a whole lot of sympathy, even here at this ‘man’ site, except for a few prankster responses from other angry ignorants that would like to jump on your “all women are evil” bandwagon. If you ever do manage to find another woman, you’ve already pointed out that you will blame her for the sins of your ex-wife, so don’t bother committing to anyone else. It would be a selfish and very wrong thing to do. Good luck to you.
It’s very sad for me to read that you apparently hate women now, and to stereotype every American woman is just unfair and frankly, ignorant.
You are making gross and inaccurate assumptions. Unless you believe that all women are feminists, you have no basis for your assumptions.
Your bitterness makes me wonder about how you presented your skewed view of your existence to your wife ~ perhaps you were as miserable before she left you as you are now, but just angrier because you got dumped.
My view of my existence is not skewed. Your view of my “existence” seems to be. I was never miserable until she took my life and flushed it. I’m also strong enough to rise above that and not live there.
…but your apparent hatred towards all women because of something ONE woman did to you is unfair. You start your post off quite dignifiedly, but you quickly lost respect with your response. I assure you that there are many, many good women out there. I’m one of them, and know many, many more.
I know many as well and I could point you to a few that could set you straight on the misconception you have that I hate women. The fact is, I love women, including my wife. The feminist perverted society and court system is where my venom was being spewed. No fault divorce should never entitle the filer to anything, ever. If one has cause, that is different.
I only pray that you are not ignorant enough to pass your theories about the opposite sex onto your children, which, if you do, in the long run, will cause a perpetuation of pain and confusion that will surely follow them into their adult lives and relationships.
I have two young daughters and successfully won a lengthy and expensive custody battle. I fought for them because their mother is (at least currently) incapable of raising them to be the women they can be. I most certainly do intend to pass on to them my values, knowledge and what little wisdom I manage to acquire. They will be better than their mother because I am their daddy and I intend to teach them right where their mother’s parents did not. I will not be passing on to them “theories” about anything. They will be raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
If you ever do manage to find another woman, you’ve already pointed out that you will blame her for the sins of your ex-wife, so don’t bother committing to anyone else. It would be a selfish and very wrong thing to do.
I’ve done no such thing. What you read is not what I wrote. I suggest you read it again. As for finding someone else, I’m not interested and not looking, much to the chagrin of many of my female friends. It would be a wrong thing to do because I made a life commitment to my wife; not because I’m broken or selfish. No matter what she does, I’m married and my daughters need a Mommy.
I’m very curious as to how you found this post that’s over 4 months old. I could probably find your referer and thus the search string from Google or wherever by checking my server logs, but I’m not that interested.
What is clear to me is that you jumped to conclusions because you’re hurting and rightfully so. Let’s make a deal. I won’t judge you by your husband and you don’t judge me by my wife. Hurting people hurt people.
If there’s ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
“I’m very curious as to how you found this post that’s over 4 months old. I could probably find your referer and thus the search string from Google or wherever by checking my server logs, but I’m not that interested”
“I’m very curious as to how you found this post that’s over 4 months old.”
I found it surfing the internet … do you think I deliberately searched you out? Talk about paranoid! For crying out loud this is the World Wide Web!
“I could probably find your referer and thus the search string from Google or wherever by checking my server logs, but I’m not that interested.”
Why would you write something with such threatening innuendo? All this rage over a response to a post that YOU have all over the internet?
Have a great day.
I’m not sure how you found paranoia or rage in anything I wrote. Does the word “projection” mean anything?
As for threatening you… Ummm. No.
But I do have TP, Cornholio.
Wow, just wow.
Except for the assumptions Lily made, I agree with a good deal of what she said.
However, the last two paragraphs you wrote in the post are so utterly ridiculous, I am not going to attempt to discuss it further with you (unless you care to discuss it).